Uncertainty

I've realized I'm looking for more and am not sure if it is to be found in Boise, Idaho. Simply put, I don't know where to find it or how to get it, whatever that "it" may be. I am not trying to be "emo" with my ambiguity; I am just that confused and restless with my life right now. While I have amazing family and friends, I am missing a lot otherwise. Yes, I'm working toward a greater career, but the proverbial fruition is longer off than I want. What keeps me motivated in pursuing medical school is knowing I have very few classes left and am doing very well in my current classes. But what continues to intimidate me is the MCAT, the application process, the hope of eventual acceptance (!!). There is much I still haven't started doing, like research, physician shadowing, and patient care (oh, and volunteerism). The best part? It all should be done by the time of application... I'm gonna go ahead and drop an F*bomb to myself.

So, I'm obviously focusing on my career/education, but what about all the rest of the stuff life is made of?? To be honest, I'm not the happiest. While I wanted nothing more than to get out of University Housing, the transition from professional life to non-professional life is hard. I miss a lot, from my role to my relationships to the rewards that came from the work or the people. Taking classes part-time requires I work part-time and it's difficult to find work that allows me the aforementioned items while being flexible enough for me to be a student and an employee. Not that I had a whole hell of a lot with UH, but I need more self-satisfaction. More than that, working part-time is hard to live off of when you're the only one who shares the rent! But, really, who isn't having money issues right now??? Ah, frustrating!

Part of me really wishes I could just pick up and move somewhere else. I can't decide if that's healthy or not. But I'm realizing more and more, every time I strike out with something here, that maybe it's time to move on. I love Boise (A LOT) and 3 months ago I was convinced I wasn't done yet with it. I guess I just didn't get far enough away from what I've worked so hard to purge...at least for right now anyway.

Finally!

The cat is no longer my employee.

Enough said. 

Blah.

I am up to my eyeballs in conduct. My sweet, little first years had themselves a bit TOO MUCH fun last weekend, and I'm paying for it now. I spent 6.5 hours of my work day today talking with 12 students about alcohol, marijuana, and the power of poor decision making. My voice is actually hoarse. Plus side, I got into a pretty sweet groove. Here's hoping the flow continues because I have about 6 more cases to get through tomorrow!

But guess who will be paying for once it's all done? THEY WILL!! I think you have to be, or have been, an RD to understand this, but there is nothing like handing down sanctions to students who were found responsible for policy violations! We don't throw the book at them (unless they really deserve it) but we definitely make them rethink their decision making. There is a gratifying aspect to it all, too. I mean, seeing that proverbial light-bulb go off can do wonders when you're barely through half your conduct appointments and someone just scheduled another one.

Ironically, I have jury duty next week. I guess it would be more ironic if I myself had a hearing, but, regardless, I thought it was odd timing. It's like the Court Gods are saying, "Here. Have more!"

Attraction: A Necessary Evil

Alright... Not all of the time but definitely recently. Plus side to this current situation is that I am noticing other people again (and flirting too). Down side, though, is that I can't act on it, hence the evil connotation. Attraction is fun. Attraction is exciting. But, let me tell you, it's a lot more fun when you're allowed to act on it! 

Why I am attracted to this individual exactly I am not so sure. I do love being around him and he is very good at making me laugh. He pays attention to me - probably more than he should - way more than he should actually. I will say that he is the antithesis of my last boyfriend, which I think is why I am so intrigued by this attraction to him. Save a couple of random items, he and Kelly are nothing alike. This is good, I know, but makes me wonder how this came to be exactly. 

Attraction is a funny thing and can often go as easily as it has come. Part of me wants this to do just that while the other half wants it to stick around. Our playful back-and-forth certainly makes my day-to-day more fun. But I can't help but think how poorly timed this attraction is right now. Aside from this guy, I've been flirting with the possibility of moving away after my job ends in June. This is mostly because in order to do this same job I'll have to move to another university; damn Idaho for not having more colleges within driving distance. Additionally, this fellow isn't single. Before you began worrying, realize I recognize this as the ultimate reason why I can't act on my attraction to him - or interact with him in an inappropriate way. I respect myself for one but his existing relationship too. I understand what it could mean for him, to have a girlfriend and still be showing interest in someone else. He's opened up to me about his relationship concerns but those are for him to figure out, not for me to influence. 

To make matters more complicated, this fellow works for me. Yes, I know..."It's not allowed." Blah, blah, blah.. Don't get me wrong. I respect this boundary, however I can't help but feel a little irritated that the one time I'm not the cat, I can't be the mouse. Frustrating! That said, I should just let the pieces fall as they may; everything happens for a reason, right?

One Down

I suck at blogging.

Ok, one down for January.

The Real Thing

Relationships, we all know, take work. A LOT of work. More than that, they take time, effort, trust, risk...the list goes on. I have spent much of the past three months wondering, much to my chagrin, what it was Kelly and I were doing those three years. I had an idea and he had an idea, only they did not so much culminate in the same brightly burning light bulb. I was trying it on for size, eventually hoping to buy it. He was trying it on for.......fun, eventually hoping to put it back on the shelf with as few wrinkles as possible. I can talk in metaphors all day long I've decided.

The best one, though, came to me tonight. I was on the phone with a friend and it hit me. My relationship, after some time, was much like being served Diet Coke after respectfully ordering the Real Thing. In drinking it you realize it tastes funny, a little weird and not like Coke, but you keep drinking it anyway, too afraid to send it back. I mean, it looks like Coke. You ordered Coke. Surely, it's Coke.

Little Ms. Sass-a-frass

This girl is pent up. I can't even begin to explain, but, essentially, I need to come into my own more, get out more, and go out more! It's all a bit irritating. That's not, though, the entire reason for my blog's title this time. While I am myself a bit sassy lately, I am more so referring to my new haircut.

I've had this appointment scheduled for about eight weeks; I'm one of the lucky ones that can go two months before the growth becomes unmanageable. Anyway, as the day drew closer, I was getting more contemplative about which style I would choose. I love long hair and haven't had it that way for about three years. My stylist, Camilla, did such an excellent job with the cut last time that I was leaning very closely to keeping the length and just having her trim the initial cut. As I drove to the appointment, though, I flirted more and more with the thought of a short style. All face shapes have a cut that best compliments them. Though I'm not entirely sure what mine is, I have always been of the belief that really short styles would look horrible on me, so I definitely wanted to make sure I avoided that! I've only ever really gone as short as my shoulder blades before, but, today, that just didn't seem short enough. I needed more of a change, more of a definitive look.

I arrived at DV8 Salon and waited for Camilla to wrap up her previous client. This was good as it gave me more time to solidify my choice of cut. I sit in her chair and rattle off the same speil: how I love long hair, that I want a change but nothing drastic...blah, blah, blah. She asked me if I was willing to cut it much shorter then talked me through a style she thought would look great on me. Her description sounded great and very doable for me as a daily hairstyle. After having flirted with the thought for a while and feeling rather feisty from my desire to make a change, I told her to do it! An hour later, I had nearly four inches on the floor and a hair length that sits just at my neck line (right above my collarbone). I am very pleased with it and am proud of myself for going short - well, shorter! She texturized it very well and left lots of layers in it. She also polished and lengthend the side-swept bang from my intial cut. As she put it, "it's so sassy!"

Ah..I'm feeling a little less pent up already. Here's to pulling off my sassy ass! :)