Uncertainty

I've realized I'm looking for more and am not sure if it is to be found in Boise, Idaho. Simply put, I don't know where to find it or how to get it, whatever that "it" may be. I am not trying to be "emo" with my ambiguity; I am just that confused and restless with my life right now. While I have amazing family and friends, I am missing a lot otherwise. Yes, I'm working toward a greater career, but the proverbial fruition is longer off than I want. What keeps me motivated in pursuing medical school is knowing I have very few classes left and am doing very well in my current classes. But what continues to intimidate me is the MCAT, the application process, the hope of eventual acceptance (!!). There is much I still haven't started doing, like research, physician shadowing, and patient care (oh, and volunteerism). The best part? It all should be done by the time of application... I'm gonna go ahead and drop an F*bomb to myself.

So, I'm obviously focusing on my career/education, but what about all the rest of the stuff life is made of?? To be honest, I'm not the happiest. While I wanted nothing more than to get out of University Housing, the transition from professional life to non-professional life is hard. I miss a lot, from my role to my relationships to the rewards that came from the work or the people. Taking classes part-time requires I work part-time and it's difficult to find work that allows me the aforementioned items while being flexible enough for me to be a student and an employee. Not that I had a whole hell of a lot with UH, but I need more self-satisfaction. More than that, working part-time is hard to live off of when you're the only one who shares the rent! But, really, who isn't having money issues right now??? Ah, frustrating!

Part of me really wishes I could just pick up and move somewhere else. I can't decide if that's healthy or not. But I'm realizing more and more, every time I strike out with something here, that maybe it's time to move on. I love Boise (A LOT) and 3 months ago I was convinced I wasn't done yet with it. I guess I just didn't get far enough away from what I've worked so hard to purge...at least for right now anyway.

Finally!

The cat is no longer my employee.

Enough said. 

Blah.

I am up to my eyeballs in conduct. My sweet, little first years had themselves a bit TOO MUCH fun last weekend, and I'm paying for it now. I spent 6.5 hours of my work day today talking with 12 students about alcohol, marijuana, and the power of poor decision making. My voice is actually hoarse. Plus side, I got into a pretty sweet groove. Here's hoping the flow continues because I have about 6 more cases to get through tomorrow!

But guess who will be paying for once it's all done? THEY WILL!! I think you have to be, or have been, an RD to understand this, but there is nothing like handing down sanctions to students who were found responsible for policy violations! We don't throw the book at them (unless they really deserve it) but we definitely make them rethink their decision making. There is a gratifying aspect to it all, too. I mean, seeing that proverbial light-bulb go off can do wonders when you're barely through half your conduct appointments and someone just scheduled another one.

Ironically, I have jury duty next week. I guess it would be more ironic if I myself had a hearing, but, regardless, I thought it was odd timing. It's like the Court Gods are saying, "Here. Have more!"

Attraction: A Necessary Evil

Alright... Not all of the time but definitely recently. Plus side to this current situation is that I am noticing other people again (and flirting too). Down side, though, is that I can't act on it, hence the evil connotation. Attraction is fun. Attraction is exciting. But, let me tell you, it's a lot more fun when you're allowed to act on it! 

Why I am attracted to this individual exactly I am not so sure. I do love being around him and he is very good at making me laugh. He pays attention to me - probably more than he should - way more than he should actually. I will say that he is the antithesis of my last boyfriend, which I think is why I am so intrigued by this attraction to him. Save a couple of random items, he and Kelly are nothing alike. This is good, I know, but makes me wonder how this came to be exactly. 

Attraction is a funny thing and can often go as easily as it has come. Part of me wants this to do just that while the other half wants it to stick around. Our playful back-and-forth certainly makes my day-to-day more fun. But I can't help but think how poorly timed this attraction is right now. Aside from this guy, I've been flirting with the possibility of moving away after my job ends in June. This is mostly because in order to do this same job I'll have to move to another university; damn Idaho for not having more colleges within driving distance. Additionally, this fellow isn't single. Before you began worrying, realize I recognize this as the ultimate reason why I can't act on my attraction to him - or interact with him in an inappropriate way. I respect myself for one but his existing relationship too. I understand what it could mean for him, to have a girlfriend and still be showing interest in someone else. He's opened up to me about his relationship concerns but those are for him to figure out, not for me to influence. 

To make matters more complicated, this fellow works for me. Yes, I know..."It's not allowed." Blah, blah, blah.. Don't get me wrong. I respect this boundary, however I can't help but feel a little irritated that the one time I'm not the cat, I can't be the mouse. Frustrating! That said, I should just let the pieces fall as they may; everything happens for a reason, right?

One Down

I suck at blogging.

Ok, one down for January.